Coronavirus: Depression during Lockdown feels like you’re just stuck
Having suffered with depression with self harming since I started teacher training in 2002, it escalated into a momentous breakdown in a classroom of year 8s in 2005. I was clinically unable to teach for 7 months and spent much of that time in bed, until I was able to do some fruit picking for a local farmer, which aided in my slow recovery.
Since then I’ve rebuilt my life after travelling in 2007 and trying all sorts of jobs in the search for ‘happiness’’, then I met my husband in 2009, married in 2011 and we immediately started a family.
Suffering from depression during this pandemic has shown me some major ups and quite a lot of serious lows.
Our marriage broke down last year after recovering from severe PND with my youngest and, going through a challenging divorce whilst living together, keeping our two wonderful, loving children happy, healthy and calm, had been to the detriment of my own mental health. That, and being flabbergasted by how so called close friends have reacted!
Then came lockdown…and a fever meant that my ex and I had to spend so much time together in the same house.
With so much anger already in the house, I have tried to keep my little child carrying business going amongst the chaos, but it’s been a struggle!
Having moved temporarily into a beach bungalow, that I luckily found and which also helped my landlady out as her business had to otherwise close, really helped to give some perspective and respite as well as amazing walks, to try and regain my strength.
I so much want to continue helping families to carry their babies, as I continue to be messaged by pregnant mums, and mums with toddlers, desperate to be able to give their babies the gift of carrying them.
Struggling daily with just getting out of bed, a friend kindly but naively told me to pull my finger out, yet as any of you who also suffer will know, this doesn’t really help the depression.
If I can do one thing to help myself each day, then this is enough. I know I shouldn’t but I still beat myself up about not achieving the online empire I so dreamed of right now, but it will come. Gentleness towards myself is really important right now, and then I can start to be there for others once more.
All the online baby shows can carry on and I just have to accept that at the moment, I can only do so much. We have to be really kind to ourselves in these unnormal circumstances.
My priority is to find a home for the next three to six months and to make it as homely (if not perfect) as I possibly can as my two children’s health and happiness remain my priority. Furthermore, being very young, they are understandably emotionally struggling with all the changes.
Maybe, I’ll even find a little motivation to paint once more or play piano. Who knows, what the next day holds, let alone the next week or six. We just have to try and be kind to ourselves and others at this challenging time and hope and help small businesses and people the best we can and thank anyone who’s kind enough to listen and offer support.
I am super grateful to have some gorgeous friends, supportive family, superb business confidants around me who offer so much support at this time, along with Trauma/PTSD counselling 💜 to help get my head and arse in gear.
Don’t be frightened to ask for help from others as you may be surprised by the amount of support you have around you. Get outside each day if possible to walk in our stunning countryside that I, personally, am so very grateful to have.
I’m also finding now that journalling is helping to explore feelings and challenging unhelpful thoughts each day. I’ve also signed up to an eight week Mindfulness course with the brilliant Gemma to help find my flow.
And always, always try to be gentle towards not just others, but yourself and heal from the inside. We have amazing support networks to help, if we just reach out every once in a while.
We used to be a village, so reach out and find yours as we can support each other so much better than being on our own 🧡 .